Deacon Shui Lin's first journal entry

** Journal entry of Shui Lin Li Halan; encoded in a modified form of a House Li Halan personal encryption key. ***

It is obviously beyond me to seek to interpret the actions of the Pancreator. That everything shows the signs of His purpose I cannot doubt, but although sometimes I feel I can almost see the lines and omens of his works upon the worlds, at others I am left bewildered and must needs fall back on instinct and intellect to guide me blindly on my way.

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I am not sure, for instance, whether it was the Pancreator or the workings of sin that drew the Lord Sava to me. It was certainly a great sign of mercy in the bargeman who brought him to the hospice. And definitely a lesson to me of the importance of humility, and how flawed my judgement of others is - I had met the man before; he has a wife and two daughters, and thought him merely a ruffian with no thought for anything but his own benefit. It is truly a sorrow that his one kind act should have brought about his death... but this is a Decados world, after all.

He was severely wounded when he was brought in - wounds that equally obvious were not accidental. They should have been fatal. Even.. enhanced... as he is, it is a wonder to me that he lived long enough to be brought in to us. The residue of the drugs in his system should have slowed his reflexes, and his body's innate protective responses, to the point where he was unable to respond at all. It takes a strong will for the body to survive such abuse. I would assume a strong will is something he most definitely possesses; for all his apparent affability I have noticed that he has no problems in obtaining whatever goal he currently desires. I am grateful that all the methods I have seen him use have been legal and moral - I have no doubt that his training has well prepared him to use whatever tools come to hand, and it is a grace in him to be able to transcend the lessons of class and house to act in a manner which is honourable and decent. It is once again a sign of my own deeply flawed weakness that I am surprised that one of his house should be able to act in such a way.

Although he may not have had his way in all things. I notice that he makes no reference to his family, and that once his wounds had begun to heal, he was most loathe to leave our shelter and seek respite with those more used to treating his class.

I say 'him' in reference to Lord Sava. Of course, that is not an accurate form of descriptor, but our language lacks appropriate pronouns to describe such as he is, and the form s/he is awkward and unpleasing. So I shall respect his apparent preferences and use the male form of address. It is possibly safer, as well, coded as this journal is. It has been instilled in me since earliest childhood that one never knows where one's words may end up.

His sinful technological devices complicated the healing process as well. It is difficult to compensate for an unknown system in the body, and I am truly grateful to the Pancreator that my poor skills proved sufficient. We are stretched so thin, wherever we are, that having the resources to heal the wounded and the needy is difficult at best; should my abilities have been inadequate to help him, there was no-one else with time or skill to assist. As well, his obvious nobility was to his disadvantage. We aim to treat the poor mainly, and although all are equal in the eyes of the Pancreator, it is easy to feel that those with money should be able to purchase their health elsewhere, no matter how pressing their need for aid is now. I do not judge my fellows for feeling this way - the fact he was so very obviously of House Decados did not help his cause either. I hope I have overcome my prideful urges to judge others, but it is still hard to resist the instinctive distrust, and I cannot blame it in others with perhaps even more reason to judge. On his world it is hard to find anyone who has not felt the lash of Decados desires or indifference.

I was surprised when he asked the Mother Superior of our hospice to allow me to accompany him on his journey. His words were 'That he might better assist in bringing the words and healing of our great Pancreator to those in need on the worlds his Tour touches.' I was even more surprised when she accepted - our number are few, and the aid we bring is greatly needed, while a spoiled lordling from a notoriously godless house should be well able to afford to purchase what healing he needs. Perhaps she saw an opportunity for our chapter to advance; although such worldly matters should not properly be our concern, or perhaps she was kindly giving me the chance for progress within our hierachy, little as I desire or deserve it.

It is perhaps unworthy of me to harbour even the least distrust the Lord Sava's motives in taking me along with him on his journey. He has acted towards myself with nothing but honour, and, which is even more important, towards those he meets with only courtesy and grace. He calls me his 'Confessor', but he has yet to confess any sins, other than the descriptions of arrant hedonism he lets slip in casual conversation. I am fairly sure he does this to bait me, or perhaps to test me, but I was born into a noble house just as surely as he was, and if he thinks to discompose me with such childish tricks he is mistaken.

Perhaps he brought me along to prove his piety to others... or merely to ensure that his secret is kept. If the later is the case, then it is a mark of his true goodness, well hidden though it may be, that I am still alive. I would be concerned for my safety if I were not well aware of my own unimportance, and the ultimate unimportance of my own fate. I ask only to be allowed to humbly continue to learn the Pancreator's way, and to reflect what light of His I might while I am allowed to remain alive. I trust in the Pancreator to keep me as safe as might be while I give myself to His guidance. And if I should perish from the sins of others, or my own, I will not diminish His Light, or shame the house of my birth, by shrinking or turning away in fear.